Patriot Hermit Crabs

I'm not 100% sure that this isn't animal abuse, but it is otherwise pretty cool.

Hermit crabs are softer than other crustaceans. They don't grow their own shells, instead acquiring discarded shells from other crustaceans. The shell allows them to retract into it for defense.

Hermit crabs will fight, steal and kill to get a good shell. If need be, they will happily adopt good man-made items as their home. It doesn't get much gooder than a Patriots helmet.

The crab pictured actually has his own shell, which has somehow been wedged into the Pats helmet. A football helmet is not the preferred shape for a crab, even an enormous one. It leaves room for attack, a poor trait for a defense mechanism.

The Patriots crab, forced to drag around a massive second shell, will either die or gain great strength. It's pure Nietzsche... what doesn't kill it will make it stronger. And if it does kill it, they're only $6.99, so you can go get another.

Many species of animal use colorful shells/feathers/fur to attract mates, so the Littlest Patriot may be letting his freak flag fly frequently, a possibility to consider if you are buying more than one. Sh*t, look at the level of females that Tom Brady gets in the same helmet.

I would like to get 11-22 Patriot crabs, then find a similar number of crabs wearing some other team's helmet. Put them in the same tank, let them go to war, kinda like that electric football game they sold in the 1970s before video games were invented.

I'm guessing that you'd put them in formation and use possession of food to motivate them. Eventually, one of them will cross the goal line, making it more like Rugby than the NFL. Who cares? It's crab football.

Animal cruelty is one thing, but remaking the Ice Bowl or the Tuck Rule game with crabs is as good a reason as you'll get for some moral contortions.

If you decide to adopt the Patriot Way, you can get Patriot Crabs at the Seaberry Surf gift shop in Wellfleet. Other stores out there also have them.