Fun With Super Tuesday

Tuesday is Primary day, where you can vote for the candidate of your choice.

The problems arise when you see major flaws with the charisma-free Democrat candidates, or if you refuse to cast your vote for someone who once headlined Wrestlemania.

While the Dem race at least has some drama, there isn't a standout among them yet. The GOP race has even less drama, as Trump faces no serious primary challenge.

Massachusetts is a liberal state. In the Presidential elections of the last 100 years, we have voted Republican for only Ronald Reagan, Warren Harding and Calvin Coolidge. Cool was the Governor of Massachusetts prior to being Harding's VP and successor, and Reagan could only beat a struggling peanut farmer by less than 4000 votes in 1980.

What's a voter to do?

We're not gonna tell you who you should vote for. We're not that smart, and we don't know you that well. What we can do for you is provide a few examples of how to get a little action out of your primary vote.

- Vote For Whoever Trump Can Mock Best

This would be more fun if Mayor Pete didn't drop out last night. Would Trump verbally gay-bash a homosexual candidate? Our staff had bets on this, with "Swishy Pete" and "Peter Puffer" as names with money on them.

It would be a despicable, caveman act if Trump did so, which is why we were expecting it enough to wave Ben Franklins at each other.

We still have Pocahontas, Crazy Bernie and Mini Mike out there. Amy Klobuchar hasn't merited a nickname yet... nor does she need one.

Liberals will vote for the Dem of their choice. Registered Republicans will be limited to Trump, William Weld and write-ins.

However, Massachusetts is dominated by unenrolled voters. 2.5 million of us are unenrolled. That's a million more than enrolled Democrats, and 2 million more than enrolled Republicans. Unenrolled voters can ask for whichever ballot they wish.

A lot of those unenrolled folks are liberals, and the liberal side of the ballot is a dogfight. Liberals here are unlikely to throw their vote away for a laugh.

If you are an unenrolled Massachusetts conservative, it's a whole different animal. Trump is a shoo-in to lead the GOP ticket in November, barring some earth-shaking development (see below) springing up out of nowhere.

Why not throw your conservative primary vote behind the most beatable liberal candidate? It's a potentially damaging bet for a party that has won the popular vote just once since the Dems ran and lost with the original Mini Mike, Dukakis. It is high risk/high reward.

- Vote for Bill Weld

This is a layered bet, as it really can only pay off if A) Trump gets caught on tape saying the N Bomb or, more likely, that B) he gets the Coronavirus and drops dead with a Quarter Pounder in each hand. Political scientists refer to this second option as a Warren Harding Ending.

Mike Pence will become the headliner if Trump's immune system impeaches him. Seeing as Pence is in charge of our Coronavirus response, it will look bad for him if the pandemic kills his boss.

If the Republican national convention turns into a crapshoot sans Trump, a Weld victory in Massachusetts would send him into the convention as the only living GOP candidate with any delegates. His only opponent would be the comical Trump bootlicker who bungled the pandemic response.

Pence is amazingly beatable, especially if the already disgraced GOP has a more vanilla (not easy with Pence) option with far less baggage.

The RNC would be even more fun if conservative celebrities jump in at the last minute. Imagine the smoke filled room chaos as the GOP tries to build a coalition around either Clint Eastwood, Rush Limbaugh, Kid Rock, Sean Hannity, Kanye West, Ted Nugent, Pence or Weld.

- Write In Someone

Why not? We can give you a few ideas. Most of these only work if Trump dies, is jailed or flees the country.

Tom Brady may be moving soon, but he is still ours on Super Tuesday. He has already stood on stage with George Bush for a SOTU address. He'd probably win in a landslide representing either party.

David Ortiz is already a local hero. He has more charisma than any candidate, Trump included. He'd be a living violation of the Natural Born Citizen clause, but maybe Moscow Mitch can do something about that. Technically, Ortiz is an American citizen, and he was naturally born, at least in a MacDuff sense.

Jeb! OK, next...

Oprah has been mentioned before. She'd be a funny Republican candidate, but so was Trump, and I doubt she has paid off a porno flick girl or bragged on tape about how she can walk right up and grab women by the p*ssy.

She would no doubt pursue a liberal policy as President, but the conservative base is very, very gullible., and she could just lie to them while campaigning. She would immediately rip the black vote away from Joe Biden, no mean feat for a party which only gets about 10% of the black vote per election. Trump got 13% of the black male vote in 2016, and 4% of the black female vote. Oprah erases those problems.

Oprah, like Weld, needs Trump to die within the next 6 months.

Vladimir Putin has the same NBCC issues as Big Papi, but remember that one house of Congress is run by a guy known as Moscow Mitch. A Putin presidency eliminates the middleman for the GOP, which, as a broad concept, is sound fiscal policy.

Stephen Colbert would seem to be an odd choice, but his show is going in the tank if Trump loses, and the Presidency is a fine golden parachute.

He'd have to appease the GOP by campaigning as his conservative Daily Show character, but winning the Presidency from a talk show (which would be 5 free hour long campaign commercials a week now through November) would put him miles above Carson or Letterman when future generations rank our late night hosts.

That's pretty much the best we have. Please vote early and often.