Let's Name Dartmouth's New Mascot!

If it must happen...

Dartmouth High School sports teams are known as the Indians. They have been called that since the school was founded in 1902, at least to my knowledge.

The Commonwealth does not approve, and may force Dartmouth to change mascots. I assume that MIAA membership is at stake.

I am not so morally unassailable as to say whether or not the D should need a new name. I'm also a Duxbury kid spamming this to you from Cape Cod, and matters like this should be handled by locals.

What I am comfortable doing is:

1) Explaining why a good nickname is important ("The state makes you change a 'bad' one" is among those reasons), and...

2) Suggesting new names. We write this article now and then when towns ponder a name change, and have articles like this Shovel Ready.

A good nickname is important. It inspires town pride, it makes the kids feel good and it may even make the town or the Booster Club some money in apparel sales.

A bad nickname does the opposite. Your kids have a stupid name on their chests for 100 years. Certain groups may be offended by it. It may turn off someone who may have been about to buy a local school sweatshirt.

The town our office is in has the Canalmen as a mascot. It's so whack, it hurts. The girl teams are the Canalwomen, which sounds like a term for a streetwalker. I'm not looking down on anyone in Dartmouth when writing this, worry you not.

We are writing this along the lines of, "If It has to happen, choose a great nickname this time."

Let's kick some ideas around, shall we?


SHAMROCKS

Nobody is offended by Shamrocks. It's tough to offend the Irish, anyhow.

Shamrocks are lucky, and what sports team couldn't use some luck? Shamrocks are also green, so the school doesn't have to repaint anything.

Dartmouth is only 11% Irish. That's not bad, although it pales when compared to the nearby Irish Riviera. Dartmouth is 40% Portuguese, but the Portuguese don't have that sort of fun stereotype stuff like leprechauns and clover.

That said...


LINGUICA

I do wonder how many high school teams are named for things like sausage, pizza toppings, breakfast meats and so forth.

Someone has to be the first. Why not Dartmouth? It does tip a hat to the town's majority minority.

While this may be a bit phallic to name a high school team, it could be softened to Linguica Pizza, which would take the phallus away and which would also stand alone among ,American sports team names.


SHARKS

Dartmouth isn't really known for sharks, but Duxbury doesn't have a lot of dragons, either. That didn't stop them from naming the team after a fearsome and terrifying creature. (Editor: Duxbury High School is on St. George Street). Why should it stop Dartmouth?

Sharks took the duke when Monomoy had a team to name, but that's like 100 miles from Dartmouth. There would be little overlap.

The P.A. guy could make intimidating use of the JAWS movie score, thus giving Dartmouth a tactical advantage over schools with wimpier names.


DUCKS

Alliteration comes up when things are getting named, which is why superheroes have names like Peter Parker and Wonder Woman.

Kids would love the cutesy nickname, and Dartmouth Ducks rolls off the tongue well enough. It could be weaponized into Dartmouth Sucks by other schools at away games, and you have to consider stuff like that when naming a team.

Alliteration could also give us the Dukes, the Darts, the Devils (Editor: Fairhaven has the Blue Devils, so scratch that one), the Doom, the Dinosaurs, the Dabs, the Doms/Dommes, the Dirt Dogs, the Dinghys, the Destroyers, the DC-10s, the Diamonds....

The Dudes would work if the school were all boys.


COMMODORES

Dartmouth has a lot of rich people boats, yacht clubs, stuff like that. They deserve some love.

Scituate has the Sailors and Gloucester has the Fishermen, but Dartmouth should go more high end.

Socioeconomic taunting can be fun if you play schools from less advantaged towns. One of the writers for this publication played soccer for Duxbury, and the girls would get various taunts about being snobby princesses when playing less wealthy schools.

She used to give it back by flaunting wealth. She'd answer money taunts by other players with "I just got accepted to Yale," or "Daddy bought me a horse" or "My house is worth 900,000 dollars."

Dartmouth doesn't need to go that deep. Giving the team a snobby name is good enough.



ZOMBIES

Paranormal names aren't that unusual. Salem has the Witches, Duxbury has the Dragons... long pause..... ummm.... OK, maybe paranormal names are a bit unusual.

Think of the school spirit/crowd participation aspect. Imagine if everybody shows up for games dressed as/acting like Zombies. The P.A. announcer does nothing but moan. The cheerleaders abandon traditional routines for shambling around and biting people.

"Ghosts" would be easier to get people to dress as, but we might have problems if/when urban teams drive out into the country and there's a crowd of people in white sheets.


MIST

We suggested this for Middleboro, but it would also work in Dartmouth.

Give the team all grey uniforms, even the numbers will be grey. Paint the field gray. If it isn't naturally foggy, use cleverly-placed dry ice to make the field look like the interior of Jeff Spicoli's van.

Grey uniforms in a foggy environment would give Dartmouth a tactical advantage. You can't cover what you can't see.

You also can't throw the ball with any accuracy if the fog is too thick, but Dartmouth will have the twin advantages of Familiarity With The Conditions and the more important "We called the play, we know where it's going and can thus just throw the ball into a general area."



MEAN GREEN

Again, you don't have to change the school colors, which means that you can still rock your green D hat. That's important.

This name will draw forth ugly associations with both Bullying and Marijuana. That's unfortunate, but the name is pretty cool.


DOBERMANS

Who doesn't love dogs?

Dogs generally only turn up in sport names with Bulldogs and sometimes Terriers. Bulldogs rule, but there are many breeds of dogs.

Dobermans are fierce, athletic, intelligent, tough, loyal, protect turf well and will kill you if they get angry... exactly the traits you want in a field hockey player.

There are 2500 or so other breeds, but they're some other town's problem. Let them be the Schnauzers.


SOMETHING TECHNICALLY LEGAL BUT MORE OFFENSIVE

What better way to stick it to the PC crowd? You want to change our name, huh? OK....

Analyze the wording of whatever MIAA rule makes them ditch the Indians, find a loophole and trot out the Dartmouth Pimps on Opening Day 2020.