Brady, Massachusetts

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady has indicated that he is likely going to play next season. That's OK, because it will probably take a year to hammer out the small details.

Small details regarding what?

Why, renaming one of our towns after Tom Brady, of course!

Sports enjoy outsized significance in Massachusetts. Sports are entertainment, not that important in the great scheme of things. Many practitioners of more important jobs- soldiers, teachers, doctors, activists- deserve a town name, but that is fodder for some other article on some other website written by some other author.

We're focused on Tom Brady.

Champagne Tom has won 6 Super Bowls. The Pats were generally a laughingstock before Tommy Cool arrived, but that all got kicked to the curb once Brady started winning titles and wading through various actresses and supermodels.

Those titles brought great joy to New England. The first Super Bowl, won shortly after 9/11, added a cool element to being a Patriot. He revitalized Foxboro... do you think there would be a Patriot Place plaza if Andy Dalton was QBing the Pats to a series of 4-12 campaigns?

Tom has also done this without beating women, molesting children, getting caught with cocaine or murdering a street rival. They don't make 'em like Tom anymore.

So, let's do the right thing and re-name one of our towns "Brady."

Please don't think I am exercising bias towards a race, a sport or ESL things. I believe there should also be Massachusetts towns named Orr, Russell and Big Papi.

But which town should change?

I'm going to list a few towns, but before I do... understand that there is nothing wrong with these towns. Mattapoisett is on this list, and I love Mattapoisett. I go there to check out the sea, I nearly married one of her children and I have written about her lighthouse before.

But she's on the list. She should think of it as an honor to be in consideration.

Here are some others.

FOXBORO

Foxy Bro is where Tom put in work. Tom's success trickled down to the town. Anyone who owns a restaurant or a gas station will tell you that it is very good to have 70,000 people driving by on a Sunday.

There would have been football here 8 weeks a year if Matt Hasslebeck (he's bringing hassle beck) was quarterbacking the Patriots, but the 70,000 people crowds and the inevitable home playoff games over two decades probably wasn't going to be happening.

Foxboro is actually a pretty cool name, but that matters not.

Foxboro owes Tom Brady.


MARBLEHEAD

Marblehead was named by European settlers who mistook granite for marble. Her former name was something like Massebequash, which-if kept- also would have got them on the list.

The town name is unintentionally pejorative. It is a ready-made insult to any resident. Naming the town after Tom Brady would wipe that off the table.


ASSONET

Assonet is one of the two villages which make up Freetown. The name is Wampanoag, and it means either/both "place of rocks" and/or "song of praise." It is ridiculous, it sounds like a crude name for a hammock or pantyhose, and they should be happy to change it to "Brady."

Tom deserves a whole town rather than a village, but this is a special case and I like to think that Tom would agree with me.


WAREHAM

There is nothing wrong with the name "Wareham." It's just that, far away, there is a town named "Ware." One of them has to go.

Ware is too much fun to change.

"What town are you from?"

"Ware."

"Where?"

"Precisely."


GAY HEAD

There's nothing wrong with being gay, and there's nothing wrong with head. It's just that, together, it sounds like a sex act.

Again, there's nothing wrong with Gay Head. Who hasn't had a little tranny indiscretion, right? Wink wink nudge nudge... Oh, not many of you? My bad.

The town itself voted (79-21) to change the name to Aquinnah in 1997. Aquinnah also sucks.

Gay Head/Aquinnah comes up whenever talk turns to renaming a town "Amity."


BELCHERTOWN

This town name makes me want to chug Pepsi and burp. In fact, I did just that the last time I was invited to Belchertown... about 45 years ago, now that I think of it.

Unless they host the annual Loudest Belch contest, they should be psyched to ditch this name.


BOURNE

This one hurts because I live in Bourne, but it merits consideration.

Mostly, the fact that children from this town go to Bourne High is motivating Bourne's inclusion on this list. Even potheads like me feel that Bourne High sends out a bad message.


SOMERSET/SOMERVILLE

Any town that has snow shouldn't have "summer" in the name, even phonetically. That's why there isn't a Blizzard, Alabama.

Ironically, Somerville happens to be where Winter Hill is located.


MATTAPOISETT

Mattapoisett is Wampanoag for "place of resting." I have already apologized for including the Poi on this list.

A change to Brady would also allow them to change the name of Old Rochester Regional High School. There is nothing wrong with Old Rochester except that isn't in Rochester.


FLORIDA

When you are 2000 feet up in the Berkshires, hiking through snow, you immediately think "Florida." Originally named Bernardston, it was changed to Florida for reasons which are lost to history.

They realize their error and have fun with it. The "WELCOME TO FLORIDA" signs in town have little palm trees on them. They are primed for a change.


ATHOL

If you have other ideas, hit us up in the comments.