The Lawn Yeti holds court daily on the regular, just off Long Pond Road around where Plymouth starts looking a lot like Cape Cod.
He's an avid hockey fan, going back to the days when Eddie Shore patrolled the blue line. We showed up with a bottle, and got his thoughts on the remainder of the NHL season.
Please note that one does not interview a Lawn Yeti, especially if he is drinking whiskey. One just introduces topics, and the Lawn Yeti handles the rest. We should note that the Lawn Yeti is very parochial.
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Stacey: How did you like the game tonight?
Lawn Yeti: It was a wonderful game. We beat them like they stole something while concurrently talking about our mothers.
I don't feel badly about the sweep, either. That's a stolen hockey team! They should still be the Hartford Whalers.
Gordie Howe finished his career playing for the Whalers. Imagine if they tried to haul Gordie Howe down to Carolina?
Stacey: He might have melted.
Lawn Yeti: I'd hate to be the guy who had to sell Mr. Hockey on a move to the Confederacy. His jaw might still be broken.
Stacey: Gordie broke jaws for a lot less than "Surprise! You're moving to Raleigh!"
Lawn Yeti: Carolina's history is slavery, slavery, slavery, secede from America, KKK, nothing, nothing, invents planes, nothing, nothing, basketball, nothing.
Stacey: Tough to respect that, huh?
Lawn Yeti: F**k Carolina. Treasonous, Mayberry livin' scoundrels. I could watch them all be skinned. We should have sawed them off of the continent in 1865.
Stacey: I agree. The very Loser Tears they cry are the sustenance of the Gallery Gods. How do you see the West working out?
Lawn Yeti: Whoever wins the West is just the next clown out of the car in the Boston Sports Jihad. The Red Sox win the World Series, the Patriots win the Super Bowl and the Bruins take the Stanley Cup.
Stacey: The Celtics lost.
Lawn Yeti: Sometimes, you have to lose a battle to win a war. If the Celtics won this year, they would get complacent. Now, they'll stop at nothing to get that Anthony Davis kid, you know, the one with the big eyebrow. Him and Uncle Drew might win 8 to 10 titles, instead of the 1 or 3 you would win with the current cast of characters.
The concept of Winning By Losing is difficult to understand for almost everyone but bankruptcy lawyers and mixed wrestling fetishists, but it is the silver lining to the Celtic storm cloud.
LY: Who is even in the West finals?
Stacey: The St. Louis Blues and the San Jose Sharks.
LY: Jesus H. Chrysler! The road to the Stanley Cup should not run through North Carolina, Missouri and California.
Stacey: It's like that old Letterman joke. "When someone says Texas, you immediately think Ice Hockey."
LY: Back when I was a Bay Bay Yeti, the Cup was fought for in places like Toronto, Detroit and Montreal. How and Why do they even play hockey in Texas? It's like being the best surfer in Iowa.
Stacey: Brad Park used to not tell the story about the time he didn't conduct hockey clinics in Texas.
LY: I heard about that. As soon as all the kids had sticks, they elected a colonel and went out into the street to beat Mexicans.
Stacey: The Sharks and the Blues are 1-1 in a best of 7 as we talk, while the Bruins will be well-rested when the Cup begins. Is rust a concern?
LY: Canadians don't get rusty. It's too cold. They freeze, which is actually a preferred state in ice hockey. This scheduling flaw allows the players to relax and do Canada stuff... drink Molsons, talk about snow, knit sweaters, club seals.
Stacey: I think Rask is a Finn, and Chara is Slovakian.
LY: Same thing. Anthropologists will tell you that there are 4 kinds of white people. Russians, Scandinavians, Canadians (Upper and Lower, a grouping that includes the northern United States) and a 4th group comprised of various non hockey-playing nations like England, Germany, France and Australia.
Stacey: That actually explains a lot of World History.
LY: That's why I get the big bucks, shorty.
Stacey: Who wins the Stanley Cup?
LY: Boston. They lose the first game, then win 4 of the next 5.
Stacey: Stanley Cup MVP?
LY: The NHL doesn't have an MVP for the playoffs. They instead award a Conn Smythe trophy. Rask will win it.
Stacey: Just checking.
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