The Beast Of Onset

Not a lot of people know this, but we saw the Fake News trend coming back in 2011. 

OK, maybe "we" is stretching it, as the true answer is "Walter Brooks of Cape Cod TODAY saw it coming and decided to try out a Murdoch-style News of the World website applied to Cape Cod." He then handed the idea off to his star blogger, who- sadly- also wasn't me. "We," meaning "Stacey Monponsett by herself," thought up the idea of having a sea monster attack the 2011 Cape Verdean Festival.

Me? My job was to produce a picture of the sea monster. My efforts get dismissed pretty quickly in the article, and rightfully so. 

I get the last laugh, though. The site never gained momentum, and was abandoned. I am the first of us to even think of it since, and I'll see if I can make a few bucks off of the story in this new post-truth era of media. 

I should add here that I have been in media before, during and since 2011, and my ability to alter a picture of something normal into a convincing sea monster has not improved one iota.

So, without any further ado... 

Listen, children, and you'll never forget... Manny, the Beast of Onset.


SEA MONSTER DEVOURS 70 IN ONSET

The very foundation of Science was rocked today as a thirty meter sea monster emerged from Onset Bay and attacked the Cape Verdean Festival.

The monster was described by witnesses as looking "like a moron photoshopped a swan," while others said it looked like the famous sea serpent which attacked Cape Ann in 1639. It struck without warning and went straight for the Cape Verdean Festival, where thousands of revelers were enjoying an afternoon of heritage. It was described as over 30 meters long, with a generally Nessie-like appearance. It's head- at the end of a snakelike neck- was higher than the 40 foot high tower on the Inn At Onset Bay.

Ambling ashore, the creature immediately ate a family of 7 European tourists who were playing in the surf. It then attacked and sank an Onset Bay tour boat, which was hosting a fundraiser for the local Tea Party chapter. Tax reform advocates were gobbled like Pez as they swam for the perceived safety of the shore.

Not satisfied, the creature attacked the festival. Heading straight for the linguica stands, it paused only to snatch a few dozen of the slower people as the crowd ran for their lives. The people in the audience with concealed weapons began to fire upon the monster, with little effect.

The arrival of heavier armed police did little to slow the monster's rampage. Even the SWAT team was powerless against the beast. Swallowing a last resident, it jumped back into Onset Bay and swam towards New Bedford.

Experts are at a loss to explain the monster. It is unlike anything known to modern science, and would fit better in a Saint George legend. The Coast Guard and the US Navy were both eluded by the swift-swimming beast. The USS Kardashian had a sonar reading off Falmouth, but it turned out to be a rotund Connecticut tourist who was floating on a raft.

The possibility of a man-eating plesiosaur living off Cape Cod isn't expected to harm the region's tourist industry much. Onset is jammed with sightseers, and locals are selling them numerous t-shirts, bumper stickers, and trinkets modeled on the beast. Charter boats from Bourne to Brewster are booked for years in advance.

Locals have taken to calling the beast "Manny," in honor of Manny Monteiro, a linguica cart owner who tried to defend his business with a machete. He was bisected by the beast, who he swore to fry and consume. Wareham has named the high school sports teams the "Mannies" in his honor. Mark Anthony's Pizza now features a "Mannywich," which is a linguica/peppers/onion sub coated with Monster Blood (tomato sauce). Ben Affleck is rumored to be playing the valiant cartpusher in the movie.

Buzzards Bay has plenty of fish/whales/tourists to support a large colony of Mannysauruses. A Manny may very well be what attacked Provincetown in a 1719 legend, as well as the source of "globsters" like the one in Nantucket. It also explains a lot of whale beachings, and solves the questions associated with a right whale who washed up on Duxbury Beach with a 10 foot bite taken out of it. "The Beast of Onset could easily rape a blue whale if it wanted to," said one eyewitness.

A state of emergency was declared by Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, and armed units of National Guardsmen are lining the shores of Massachusetts beaches. Machine guns, rocket launchers, and main battle tanks prowl the coastline. All of Cape Cod wonders where- and when- the Beast will strike again.